I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Even my vagina gasped.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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