went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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