Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
