Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
