Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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