I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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