Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
