Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I could fuck to npr.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
