i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
