We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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