You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
