First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
