She is in my trunk
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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