I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
