Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
