girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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