If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
