i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
