So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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