I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
