I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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