oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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