Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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