I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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