I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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