Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
