It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
