I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
