So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
