I'm so fucking centered right now
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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