I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
