So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
