I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
