dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We have so much sex to catch up on
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
