even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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