P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
