there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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