My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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