Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
