dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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