Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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