trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
