I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
