We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And then my night got REAL pukey
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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