I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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