can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Come see our sink grown plant.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
