no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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