so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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