It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
