Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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