I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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