Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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